I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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