True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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