Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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