Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How does one acquire holy water?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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