I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
