yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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