i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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