We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
