Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
