non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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