can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
