everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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