I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize