normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
