I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
