you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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