i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
