I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
