The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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