Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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