I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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