i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
