So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
