Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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