am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
