I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
