I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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