During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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