Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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