i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i think i just lost a toe
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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