i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
