Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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