i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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