My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
