shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize