I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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