I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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