The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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