i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
