I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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