We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
