Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
