How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
