My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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