Just fell off a train. Bad.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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