So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
