it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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