I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
