Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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