Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
