Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I lost the right to judge tonight
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
