I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
