I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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