Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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