You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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